12 September 2008

Church of England goes to hell in a portrait

In the very characteristic manner to which one is accustomed in the British Empire, a change has happened in the Church of England. Well, it's not a change, it's a return to an old practice -- a practice that has been banned for 802 years. This will never fly over in Akinolaland.

There is a new portrait of the new bishop of Bath and Wells, the Rt. Rev’d. Peter Price and the portrait is absolutely scandalous! It has the bishop’s wife, Dee, in the portrait! Oh, the humanity!

Since the twelfth century, it has been considered “unsuitable” for women to appear in paintings alongside any religious figures. I mean, the mere image of a woman can cause natural disasters, you know. The last time a woman appeared in such a portrait was back in 1206 A.D. It was only a mere twenty-two years later that 100,000 people drown in a flood in Holland. God is serious about this “no wimmin in pictures!”

Bishop Price was insistent that his wife appear in the portrait:

Throughout our ministry we have always worked together and I would say that she was called to be a vicar’s wife before I was ever called to be a vicar.

The portrait shows Bishop Price, 64, standing clad in a purple cassock, while Dee, 63, sits on a pew in the background. She said

I think it’s an amazing picture and I’m proud to be a part of it. It’s a massive step forward for women in the church because previously it had never been considered.

I don’t at all mind being the Bishop’s wife and being in the background, but I do look forward to the day when there is a woman Bishop in the foreground.

The painting was commissioned by the Bath and Wells Diocese to mark its 1,100th anniversary. Diocese spokesman John Andrews said:

Before the Reformation, bishops didn’t have wives and many still don’t. But Dee has been a massive inspiration in the regeneration of the Palace here since her husband took over.

Having a man and women together had never been considered suitable before as portraits have always just been individuals.

It was fitting to have her in the portrait and it shows the role of women is now very much appreciated and applauded within the church.’

Well, did you notice that “many [bishops] still don’t [have wives]. Now, that leads one to wonder – I bet The Rt. Rev’d Mr. Akinola is wondering!

Our thanks to the Mail Online for breaking the scandal. It is true, as ++Akinola said, the Church of England has sold out to secular society. We are all doomed to hell.

PS – you know what my favourite part of writing this article was? Telling the spell check to “ignore” the name Akinola. Can you tell I’m in a particularly spunky mood today?